We have all been there. She is very attractive, funny, seems really intelligent, and of course she caught not only our eye but the eye of five other guys in the room so far, and she just walked in. We are so tempted to tell ourselves, she is out of our league and to just forget it and yet we know that we are already attracted to her. So where do we go from here? The guy that grabs the date is of course the guy with the most confidence. What is confidence? And how do we develop it? What will it get us and do women really find it attractive?
Not that long ago I went to a conference to learn about communication. I thought it was great, for a writer, to have better communication skills. During one exercise a man of about 6 feet 2 inches in height stood up to confess his ‘communication blocker’ and with a perfectly straight face he stood in front of about 40 men and women and announced that he had a small penis, but that his wife really loves it and that it’s okay because he has learned to use it well. He stated that before he accepted his small penis, he wasn’t able to communicate effectively. Through the applause, all I could think was, ‘Now that is one confident guy’. Yes, being able to admit out shortcomings can seem very confident. Confidence comes in accepting parts of ourselves that simply can’t be perfect and can’t be changed, like a small penis.
Confidence by definition means assurance and a belief in one’s own abilities. That means that you can develop confidence by practicing, by accepting, and by finding assurance and evidence of assurance. How do we do that? Simple. Look around you. Surely there are plenty of signs that really, you are okay. Maybe your evidence hides in your job, your family, or your friends, but whatever you have managed to accomplish in this life thus far is most definitely evidence of assurance. Does that mean that things you have lost mean that you’re not okay? No. It just means you missed the mark on that one and that it wasn’t the right time.
Confidence can allow you the freedom to approach the woman that caught your eye as well as be more effective in your own relationship. Confidence doesn’t have to become cockiness or even demeaning, just a faith that you will be able to perform well and that you are smart enough and capable enough to deal with life and what it has to offer. It really is that simple. Of course that doesn’t mean that it is easy. Not by a long shot for those without confidence.
Often defining what it is about you that makes you feel rather unlikely to be able to land the date or makes you feel as though you aren’t quite man enough to tackle the issues can bring about the cause of your lack of confidence. Whoever told you that you were out of her league doesn’t know what they are talking about. All of the stereotypical definitions that women dig certain types of men based on the way that they themselves look is really just gibberish made up ages ago by a guy who wanted to eliminate his competition and win the girl. Obviously it worked. It worked so well that many of us are fighting the same notion that he threw out there over a century ago.
Societal definitions have given men a lot of crossed wires when it comes to what confidence means and how it is perceived by women. Women themselves have had to strive so hard to find their confident voice that many women aren’t really sure themselves how they feel about confident guys. However, it a biological and societal fact that women are more drawn to guys who walk tall and know how to call their own shots. Women are nurturers, always digging out our feelings and talking about them. Men have such different definitions placed on them that it can be very hard to find a directive suggestion that works.
A man can be confident (even with a small penis apparently) and still be able to meet the needs of his family or lovers without being brutal and unappealingly macho. Men can be confident and still be respectful and get the job done. The most confident men in the world are the ones that are able to look at themselves honestly and still realize that they don’t have to pretend or be perfect upon coming home. So often men have to guess about what is expected of them. A confident man knows what he expects of himself and delivers the goods on his own terms. A confident man knows that if he is shot down, even with his buddies watching, that he hasn’t made a serious mistake by going after a woman that is ‘out of his league.’ A confident man is able to look at himself seriously and honestly and find that there is more good in them every time they look. Self acceptance and confidence go hand in hand.
So the next time you find yourself explaining to your testosterone driven desires that she is all kinds of ‘out of your league, simply walking over to her and talking to her is a display of confidence. Don’t bother with psyching yourself out any longer. It just isn’t worth it.
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